“The other day … I suddenly realized, with a shudder almost … how easy it is to fall into the other-imposed trap of trying endlessly to correct and reform oneself, in accordance with this and that, one’s idea of the right person to be, when all the time, one is not merely “stuck” with oneself, as one is rightly enough, but one suffers from constricted-ness, from reaction, from the million-and-one reasons, so boringly personified around one in one’s contemporaries and half-friends and stupid, genteel colleagues, who are always telling us over again that man is bad and sinful!” -Alfred Kazin
We have to admit that the relatively recent self-help craze can be perceived as having created additional problems for people, making us think we need to “fix” every part of ourselves and our lives. Almost suggesting that life is more like a problem to be solved as opposed to a mystery to be uncovered (I do not assert that it is one or the other).
Like Kazin passionately expressed his dislike of “self-improvement” as it is traditionally viewed (e.g., self-help books, websites) in the quote above, I too am troubled by the framing and resulting perception of the process of self-development. The approach self-help machines take is often ineffective to begin with. If I view my lack of creativity as a problem or an imperfection in my character that needs to be fixed, chances are, it either won’t happen or the result will be short-lived. I am defined by my circumstances and need to right a “wrong”. The other issue is that we are not evaluating the effectiveness of the tools used to increase self-awareness (allowing for self-development).
The development of an individual’s self-awareness is like a Chinese hot pot with numerous ingredients, including social groups (family, friends, work, church, etc.), formal and informal education (books, articles, classes), coaching, mentoring, therapy, mindfulness practices, environment, etc. All of these components have an impact on an individual’s self-awareness. However, there is no systematic approach for these diverse organs that are meant to help us understand ourselves better and to become better versions of ourselves.
My therapist might be telling me that my immediate environment is not conducive to realizing my professional goals, while my friends and family are urging that the emotional support gained from being physically near them is what I need to avoid a mental breakdown. This discrepancy can be problematic as it may leave us confused or anxious about the implications of either action. Each player in this game (a professional of the field or just Aunt Jane) has unique predispositions, thoughts, and beliefs which greatly impact the outcomes of their counsel. Some even have their own agendas. I won’t get into the quality assurance issue of these friends, family members or specialists, just yet.
Without a system of checks and balances, there’s no way to ensure this person is developing him or herself in the intended way. Because we are not currently intentional about increasing self-awareness, we develop it in almost accidental or otherwise unmonitored ways. Until we take a holistic, active approach that allows us to control for as many factors as possible (e.g., expertise and assumptions of the therapist, a parent’s alternative agenda for the child, feedback from friends that is valuable) we can’t know that we are moving in any sort of direction that is beneficial. Until we become systematized about it, there’s no controlling the outcome.
The component parts of the system should be speaking to each other. In the other words, the therapist and the life coach (who are also evaluated for effectiveness) and the family and community members are all in sync and aware of what that individuals ultimately want for themselves.
Before we get sucked into the self-help trap, let’s make sure we know all of the emergency exits which work together to allow for an efficient escape.
Comments